Friday
Jan292010
Milton
January 29, 2010 
I don't know when it happened, how it happened, and truthfully, i am not sure you care to know the details and even if i knew the details i am feeling a bit nervous that my story will be received with judgment and not with much empathy.milton was born february 13th, 2009, sharing the same birthday with one of my other sons, born twenty years earlier.
milton almost shared my birthday, you see he was born just six days after my 56th birthday. a miracle, say some, a nightmare, says i. what the heck, you ask? i thought i was bloated. or heavier than usual. who hasn't put on the dreaded fifteen pounds of menopause. i was, as many of us are, resigned to a fuller figure. tell me you haven't been on the phone with a friend and complained that you looked six months pregnant.
in hindsight i realize that i had struggled with the first three months of this pregnancy, oblivious at the time to baby milton. my stomach was often unsettled and an afternoon nap was a must. heaven was on my couch. i dare you to tell me that you haven't had gas that totally reminded you of your little tommy kicking your insides. suffice to say that the sore back, swollen ankles and stomach cramps all fell within the realm of possibility for a woman of a certain age.
but there i was, on the maternity floor, nurses agog because i was refusing to have baby milton room in with me. "no, i will nurse him because g*d knows i am too lazy to bottle feed, but that boy is not rooming in". i was busy making arrangements to have a flat screen installed in the nursery. milton would have to learn to love television.
milton's father and i were sharing a lovely bottle of merlot when the young nurse arrived bearing milton. we hooted with laughter when she suggested that as new parents we were expected to bathe milton before we took home. "did you wash him up after the birth?" the young nurse assured us that of course they had cleaned him up. "well," i insisted, "he hasn't been anywhere so he can't be that dirty."
truth be told, none of this is true. i am 56 years old, i do have a 20 year old son but we are not the proud or horrified parents of a milton.
i am on a plane flying to bahamas to see my best girl friends and milton is sitting three rows behind me. he is a spoiled, undisciplined brat and i can promise you he's a darn lucky little boy that i am not his mother. as they say, there is a reason we have our children young.
Reader Comments (26)
OMG, you crack me up!! I needed a good belly laugh today - thanks, Margie!
This is TOO FUNNY!!! The punch at the end was a real surprise. Thank-you for the good laugh!!!!
Hilarious! And now you have me scared to death that at 48, that could happen to me!
LOL you had me fooled right up until the end :-)
I was on the edge of my chair...thinking "oh my goodness, I'm glad that's not me!"
Yup! You pulled us in "hook, line, and sinker."
Marge that IS NOT funny! I was horrified the entire time I was reading this. I'm with JoLyn, I wanted to immediately go and and a pregnancy test. I think it's time to make an appointment for my husband with the snip doctor.
a fun read today, ...i agree youth and babies are a good mix...
I spent the whole read saying IS THIS TRUE? OMG!!! And marvelling at how you'd kept this secret! This is hilarious! My boyfriend and I often ask why there are not Adults Only shopping day at the grocery store or Adults Only restaurants. I can't wait to read this to him. :)
I love you. My sister, the storyteller!
xo
K
I love a good gotcha ending. Glad too am I that I'm not uncle to little Miltie. Thanks, Margie.
Love it and you had be going so well I had to read it twice to make sure, but please no more comments using that snip word.
I can clearly remember when certain womanly functions stopped (mine went cold turkey) and I felt very very bloated. No! Couldn't be! I was 50 for crying out loud. Two extremely embarrassing trips to the drug store later (why is it that the girl at the check out was in her 20s? She got to leer at me twice because the first kit was a dud) and I discovered that no. I wasn't. I have never loved bloating as much as I did then.
i too had to read it twice, was totally fooled :) i think i've been in that exact same chair once or twice. i love children, don't have my own...for no particular reason, it's just worked out like that...but there are times, when i love peace and quiet more :)
That's like one of those flash fiction stories. You definitely had me, definitely. Whew
Man alive! I was telling Astrid this story as I was reading it, unfathomable as it all was...but the kind of story we love to tell because it happened to someone else. I declare, Margie. I hope when you tell a true story no one cries Wolf! :D
That baby in the image should have been a dead give-away to us. He's too-too cute for any life-changing jokes!
ttoooo funny! I just ❤ this!
LOL -- i've been saying that ever since i had mine young! thank goddess! (but i still get a hankering for a wee one now and again -- fortunately that's where my younger friends come in handy)...
I have to admit that you hooked me like a gullible fish. My mind was racing, undecided as to whether to be envious that you were having a baby at your age or to offer you my condolences. Now I'm having trouble getting my heart rate back down;') It is sad, though, that some modern parents are turning sweet babies into selfish monsters.
i was like mad confused for a while...lol. hope you are enjoying the warmth of the Bahamas. It's pretty frigid here. safe travels.
one love.
just to ease everyone, the photo, it's my grandson danny.
LOL, you fooled me. great story
What an excellent story! I was a little shocked because I don't know if there has been a natural mother at 56 before so I wondered why I had never heard this one on the news. I think that after a "certain age," if you have a baby that there had to be a little science involved, not just au naturel. But you had me going, too.
LOL, you had me hooked.
A friend had much wanted triplet boys at the age of 45, I thought that sounded like tough going. I try and imagine what my world would be like right now if I had THREE five year old boys ricocheting around the house? There would be no time for blog reading!
Ha ha I was so blessed that it wasn't me but I also thought "That's life" You really fooled me ;-)
Oh thank god this was fiction! I was sitting here counting the months since my last period, thinking, dear god is it possible at 49!!!! Lol, well done!