Tuesday
Feb022010
My Body, My Mind
February 2, 2010 * * * * * Posted by: Puna 
The practice of yoga is where mind and body become one.
Sometimes one's conduct can leave one feeling lost and with no hope of being understood by others. And when one's reality is suddenly turned up side down for a brief emotional moment, it can leave one wondering about the changes on one's body and mind.
Such is a case a month ago when I had an unexpected and uncontrolled public outburst of emotion. It started as an innocent and light-hearted disagreement but then I felt myself lose total control of my emotions. As quickly as it came, it left. And I was left with a feeling of regret, remorse and an instinctual need to withdraw.
The look on the faces of my friends was of disbelief, as if to say, "Puna? Did you just say that? You?" And when I apologized publicly, the ones who had the good fortune to not witness the incident said, "You did what?"
I believe I was an emotional teenager. But as I aged, many people described my temperament as calm. And just last week, a close member of my inner circle said I was stoic when it comes to conflict. And I am so in many ways, situations such as that makes me uncomfortable. So what brought on this intense incident that I would take back in a moment's breath?
I came home and told my family what happened. The kids were incredulous. Their mom? Really? The husband laughed a hearty laugh. I'm not sure that made me feel any better.
I was left with an feeling of deep embarrassment and regret that I carried for days. I called and confided in friends, some of whom were witnesses to my outburst. I recounted the incident in my mind and as my regret grew, the incident became bigger and more exaggerated. But as any prosecutor will tell you, eye-witness encounters vary greatly. I felt I was screaming. One friend said, "We barely heard you."
"Really?" I ask.
"Really." She says matter of factly.
More than one friend told me that perhaps I was under going a physical phenomena that occurs in women of a certain age. Still another recommended a trip to the doctor and a low dose anti-depressant. Well meaning of course, for I really do believe in better living through chemistry if so needed. I still have more than half of my life to live, yet my own mother went through menopause at precisely the same age as I am now.
My question is this, how does one know for sure? I feel fine physically and my mind (as far as I know) is still sharp. Roller coaster is not quite the analogy I would use for my emotions, more like an ebb and flow.
So this is my inquiry to sage women of a certain age. How does one know when one passes through one physical life stage to another? I'm not asking for a medical diagnosis. Rather, I'm asking for collective experiences, if any. I don't want to feel like there's no hope of being understood by others. I want to know if this abnormal behavior is normal. Tell me please...
And there will be no laughing by the men either.
Reader Comments (24)
I'm not sure exactly when it becomes completely clear, but I would say probably somewhere between the mood swings and outbursts and the hot flashes and disturbed sleep, lol. Pretty normal, though I'm sure everyone's experience of it is different.
I wish I was one of those 'sage' women who might offer some 'sage' advice. The only thing I know for sure..is that I don't know what kind of symptoms - except the obvious..of course - there are. I do know that the practice of yoga will keep you healthy and grounded..and that's gotta be good enough to see us thru any of life's changes.
Love this image. Such a beautiful body shape and form set against such rich and lovely textures!!!
A "temperamental musician/artist" is what my friends and family always called me. And, I had an temperamental outburst last year in my photography class. We, the teacher and I, later laughed about it (thank goodness!)
I have just recently begun exploring yoga. Oh my goodness. Why didn't I start that YEARS AGO?!?!
Puna! Are you sure you haven't been a fly on our wall this past week??!! HA! Just yesterday a woman of a certain age in our household figured out why she's been having sudden outbursts of anger over the tiniest of things. At first we thought it was all the stress of our upcoming wedding, but after more serious thought, we've both decided it's the beginning of....well, her sageness, for lack of a better word. It happens to the best of us, which is the beauty of it, as far as I'm concerned. It pays no attention to intellect, culture, societal standing, or whatever. Just age. There's probably no other or better explanation. You're becoming a sage woman and will have to pay your dues like the rest of us. In the meantime, you get to blame everything on it, so laugh a lot, practice your yoga, and count your lucky stars. I love it for you...and wish you luck. :)
BTW, I'm not against HRT if one needs it. After 15 years I still take the lowest dose every third day to control hot flashes. If it means I die a year sooner, at least I've had better quality of life while living! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)
puna, I am an emotional red head and always have been, so in the passing through stages of life that part of my personality has remained the same, my family and friends accept me as I am ...ebb and flow is a perfect description.
I don't know if you can tell for sure at the beginning, but the fact that you reminded yourself of your teenage self gives a hint. Your body is changing and your mind is rewiring. I got some good books and read about the actual physical and chemical changes so that when the unexpected would happen I could remind myself that this was all part of the rebuilding process. I think one was called the Pause before the Pause, I have had to resort to medical intervention to help me! Yes, the dreaded HRT, the much maligned is what works for me, I had to have it in order to live my life. Be well informed and use your best judgment in what you choose to help you get through, I really wish yoga had been enough but combined medical problems meant it wasn't.
Much love and welcome to the gang!
xo
i, too, have done this and it is unsettling, but i believe normal as hormones sway up and down on the richter scale now as they did during adolescence -- i've kind of resigned myself to the fact that once i hit puberty, my hormones have pretty much been in charge (not a good excuse i know but there it is -- the fact of my biological make-up)...so i surrender when i'm paying attention, ask forgiveness and have been told plenty of times i'm a star in my own play and i'm the only one watching it...i think the need to feel understood for who i am (the complete person) is huge (and i'm so glad you wrote this because it's good to know there's someone else out there who's had these experiences)...you're not alone...
A common theme for many! I went for many months with extreme mood swings, crying jags and feeling like I had "fragile" stamped on my forehead. All at an age I thought was way too young for the beginning of the big change. Reluctantly I started a low dose pill and swore I wouldn't do it for long. Many months later, I feel back in control and the fragile stamp has been removed. This is not what I would have predicted I would be doing at this age (I still think it's young for this...) but I am much happier as are all those around me! Good luck to you!
first things first, my sage words, stop beating yourself up. things happen. friends forget, forgive and you will be old news in a minute. husband is laughing, kids are joking, support is abounding.
Here's what I think... if you are wondering if you're entering that stage of life, you probably are.
And it's great to have something to blame our emotional outbursts on isn't it? First it was PMS, now this. The joys of being a woman!
I have noticed that I now sometimes become very emotional at that time of the month, when I was never like that before. I've never suffered from PMS and I'm not thrilled to be at the mercy of my hormones now. Thank you for writing about this. It's great to read your experience and all the comments. It helps me keep it in perspective and it's a good reminder that we all go through it, even if everyone's experience is not exactly the same.
I love the photo of you. You look so peaceful and powerful, too!
ahhh Puna, you know I'm an emotional rollercoaster waiting to happen so I may be the wrong person to ask BUT i will say that I have been reading your blog for a few months now and an outburst, although it doesnt seem normal, you seem to be 'passionate' about certain things...perhaps this was one of those things and you felt like your opinion was not being heard....when that happens, I think, most would say, that in some form or another, we demand to be 'heard'.
One of the bravest and most honest posts I've ever read. I may not be there with you, but I'm here for you.
that is a fabulously beautiful self-portrait puna! very serene, very flexible :) all i know is that each and every year is different from the last no matter what my age is. adapting is key, acceptance is essential and being flexible...well you seem to have that in spades in the physical realm!
yeah, it happens and I tell my loved one: beware, this may come and go for the next 10 years ;-(
The fact that you recognized your outburst as inappropriate and apologized, is a good sign that you are just experiencing life's normal up and down rythmn. But when the curtain actually rises on a new stage of life, you'll have everyone asking, "Are you all right? You seem a little funny today," or saying, "That's not like you." And for their own safety, people start giving you a little extra personal space, like arm's length. But don't worry, when the time arrives, you'll get acclimated, and the new stage will fit like an old glove.
Those sort of outbursts happen at any age in a normally calm person. It just means that someone has pushed you a wee bit too far.
That fact that you have explored why it might of happened, to me, says it was just a healthy outburst. Nothing more nothing less.
Just my thoughts on this lovely post :-)
Like ELK, I have just been the same old me I always was - full of outbursts at any second. LOL! However, my dr was adamant I do HRT, which was fabulous for the 1st 3 weeks, then turned me into a 13 year old girl, full of tears and angst - angst, I tell you! - and I just stopped it. Now I am back to my old complaining self, just moving the best I can through the changes I feel. Which, again, are not too bad. You will figure it out and breathe into it.
I appreciate all of your comments and your suggestions and I am taking them all in. For the record, today I feel fine:)
I've been taking all the comments in, too. I've no words of wisdom to impart, other than we've all had an embarrassing moment or two. Our friends will forgive and forget, we just need to do the same for ourselves.
Love your photos. No advice, I'm afraid. I have looked up perimenopause before. Some of the other advice sounds good and yoga must certainly be good for you.
I lost my temper the other week, with new found ferociousness (Mr uhdd said I was a bit scary!, it wasn't directed at him.)On reflection I was absolutely right to have lost my cool with these guys. In fact I should have done it years ago. So whilst I can't be 100% sure of the fixative of my rage, it's release is empowering. I'd been tolerant far to long
Nice reflective and inquisitive post, Puna. I really love the photos too, I'm amazed how you crafted these images to accompany the story.
But what I'm really wondering about is the title of this blog.
Shouldn't it be:
MARCIE AND THE HOT FLASHES
?? ;>))
Hi Puna - I have a post at my blog today that you might find humorous on the subject of women and our "plight".
http://courtneysablogger.blogspot.com/2010/02/blueprint-of-humanity-unveiled.htm