The practice of yoga is where mind and body become one.
Sometimes one's conduct can leave one feeling lost and with no hope of being understood by others. And when one's reality is suddenly turned up side down for a brief emotional moment, it can leave one wondering about the changes on one's body and mind.
Such is a case a month ago when I had an unexpected and uncontrolled public outburst of emotion. It started as an innocent and light-hearted disagreement but then I felt myself lose total control of my emotions. As quickly as it came, it left. And I was left with a feeling of regret, remorse and an instinctual need to withdraw.
The look on the faces of my friends was of disbelief, as if to say, "Puna? Did you just say that? You?" And when I apologized publicly, the ones who had the good fortune to not witness the incident said, "You did what?"
I believe I was an emotional teenager. But as I aged, many people described my temperament as calm. And just last week, a close member of my inner circle said I was stoic when it comes to conflict. And I am so in many ways, situations such as that makes me uncomfortable. So what brought on this intense incident that I would take back in a moment's breath?
I came home and told my family what happened. The kids were incredulous. Their mom? Really? The husband laughed a hearty laugh. I'm not sure that made me feel any better.
I was left with an feeling of deep embarrassment and regret that I carried for days. I called and confided in friends, some of whom were witnesses to my outburst. I recounted the incident in my mind and as my regret grew, the incident became bigger and more exaggerated. But as any prosecutor will tell you, eye-witness encounters vary greatly. I felt I was screaming. One friend said, "We barely heard you."
"Really?" I ask.
"Really." She says matter of factly.
More than one friend told me that perhaps I was under going a physical phenomena that occurs in women of a certain age. Still another recommended a trip to the doctor and a low dose anti-depressant. Well meaning of course, for I really do believe in better living through chemistry if so needed. I still have more than half of my life to live, yet my own mother went through menopause at precisely the same age as I am now.
My question is this, how does one know for sure? I feel fine physically and my mind (as far as I know) is still sharp. Roller coaster is not quite the analogy I would use for my emotions, more like an ebb and flow.
So this is my inquiry to sage women of a certain age. How does one know when one passes through one physical life stage to another? I'm not asking for a medical diagnosis. Rather, I'm asking for collective experiences, if any. I don't want to feel like there's no hope of being understood by others. I want to know if this abnormal behavior is normal. Tell me please...
And there will be no laughing by the men either.