Sunday
Mar142010
Of that I'm sure
March 14, 2010 * * * * * Posted by: Marcie 
There are times when I quite simply can’t remember. Any of it. As if it never happened. One big whirling blur of passing time. Too slowly and now much much too fast. Children growing and changing. From diapers thru adolescence and into their grown-up worlds. Life. I look to the old photo albums to remind me. Thankful for the snapshots…the documented memory.
It DID happen. Of that – I am absolutely sure.
It’s an annual rite of spring..maybe. A cleaning. A cleansing. A peeling away of the old layers and making space for the new.
Every year – it’s the same. My intention is always to sift and sort thru..to eliminate that which is no longer used and useful….and this year to finally conquer these last remnants of those very old toys. The ones that I haven’t been able to part with. The ones that remain. Now outdated. Now sitting un-used and un-wanted. Once – I thought I’d save them for those sometime grandchildren that may someday be. Now – I find myself wondering what it is I’ve held on to and why. No one will want these. They’ll be considered ancient relics and the leftover fragments of another day and time. Their parents - MY children - will scratch their heads and ask what it was that their mother was thinking and why she held onto these last scraps for so many years.
An over-sized bucket of legos…now collecting dust. Plastic..multi-colored interlocking blocks. I’ve been holding tight. My little boys’ and their precious games. A reminder of the hours we spent sitting on this very floor. Building up and tearing down and re-building. Fortresses and castles. Cowboys and Indians. Dungeons and Dragons. Battles fought – sometimes lost and sometimes won. Victory and defeat…and empires that rose and fell.
It DID happen. Of that – I’m sure.
A riding helmet. A one that is covered in that old black velvet with the button on top. Another piece I’ve been holding near. Little girl imaginings of running free in the saddle…of horses and stables and the smell of raw hay. So much time spent in that riding ring. Practicing. Watching and cheering her on. My little girl’s dreams. Or were those mine?
Old books..old videos and games. Favorite dolls..still perfectly adorned in their little doll clothes. Softly faded and worn-out stuffed animals and teddy bears. Baseballs and bats. Plastic guitars. Memory. The one that has gotten itself lost in the passage of time..and life’s smudges and smear.
The house now sits too big…to silent..too empty. Once - overfilled with their laughter.. and their tears..with their chaos..and their noise. Now - all but forgotten. There was joy. There was heartbreak. There was love. I dare not sugar-coat..or romanticize …or make it into something it never was. It wasn’t always easy. And it certainly wasn’t always fun. It was my daily landscape… my daily life…but not really mine. It belonged to my children and their childhoods. It was theirs and theirs alone.
My little boys who once reached upwards to grab hold of my hand now tower tall above me. Men. They now bow themselves downwards as I now stretch myself up to them. And my girl now stands taller at one half-a-head higher than I ever was. A young woman all unto her own. When did this all happen? There are times when I can no longer remember.
To those old photo albums I go to remind me. I hold tight to these remnants and old toys. And I think that in spite of all my good intentions..that I’m not yet ready. I will hold on to these last remains for yet just one more year. The documented memory. The evidence and proof.
It DID happen. Of that – I am absolutely sure.
Reader Comments (29)
Yes, Marcie. Hold on to those reminders.
Just this past Friday night my grandsons played with, and enjoyed, the very same legos, tinker toys, and lincoln logs that "your daddy played with when he was a little boy."
They asked if daddy had a teddy bear when he was little. Ah yes. Fuzzy Wuzzy has no hair now.
And, they love to look at the pictures of daddy when he was a little boy. (Granny Sue does too!)
*sigh*
My eldest son was 15 yesterday, on his birthday I always take a peek at the little cardigan, first size, I keep just to remind me of the smallness of him. Now he stoops to get through the door ways of our home.
lovely post and great shot. This post reminds me of the cousin I met yesterday. Her only son went to college a couple of weeks ago and she is having a very hard time letting go.
That's precisely why I hang on to my "relics." I just threw out the girl's crib. It was very sad.
i love this photo. i must admit i have a hard time parting with some things. the old plastic helmets and swords that the boys wore year after year. i remember sitting drinking coffee with a sword down the back of my shirt, at the ready to fight off a warrior. this is a lovely post marcie.
You have definitely put my feelings into words! I've decided there are some things I just can't part with. I need the sight of those old toys and playthings to remind me, to conjure up those sweet memories in my mind. And my grown children love them to. We had a younger child staying with us recently--my big boys got out the race track and had just as much fun as he did!
i think this is why i was meant not to have kids, because i couldn't bear it, i couldn't bear the tears, the tearing down of lego empires, the tiny knee scrapes, the growing up and away... of this i am sure :)
Beautiful words for beautiful memories, Marcie, thank you for sharing and for reminding us that, yes indeed, they did happen.
I too find the photos refresh memories or fill in the details that my memory is missing. I too have the old black riding helmet of velvet with the button on top -- except it's mine from when I was a girl. :)
Oh how I identify with this post!!!!!!!!! I am teased all the time by my children concerning my inability to part with "useless" items that still hold special memories for me. When my oldest daughter was five years old she wanted to be Wonder Woman. That year for Christmas, we gave her Wonder Woman underwear (panties and T-shirt) which in order to laundry them I had to peel off her. Last year, something was mentioned about Wonder Woman and she asked me if I remembered how much she loved that underwear. Unknown to her, I had saved them, and I looked through storage boxes until I found them. You guessed it, twenty-nine years later I wrapped them again and gave them to her for Christmas. She was thrilled... she even squealed! Another memory created....
Love the dream-like quality of your photograph and of course your words.
I have tears in my eyes. I am in the midst of the chaos now. I remind myself daily that it'll pass ever too quickly. That I'll miss it. Sometimes the thought brings me deeper into the present and sometimes it doesn't hold my attention. I feel tired, I yell "late again!", I dance the delicate balance between lecture and guidance. I ache to savour now what I will miss tomorrow.
Thank you for this, very special message.
What a great post, Marcie. And the photo is just perfect. Although I'm not a mother I can relate to your feelings. I think you did the right thing not parting from those last remains.
I am in that place and many more...two tweens, a teen, an adult son, a new grandson. Sometimes my head spins trying to remember which memory is attached to which son. But still, the memories are there (along with the stuff I can't let go of, as you mentioned) and it is good.
Your words are full of delicate love, and the image is breathtaking.
Well, I've set my garage sale for the end of the month to dispose of some of my 'stuff'. But, believe me, what remains of my children's playthings will remain silent and dusty in the attic. I've had to let my children go, but I can hang on to the memories those items evoke. It's a parent's right, after all. Farmergal
the emotion laced between the dusty legos and soft stuffed toys is felt . and understood ..a truly sweet photo as well.
how wonderful that you have all those memories around you, so so important. i met someone the other day who said that they have no pictures of their parents, their own childhood...no-one had a camera i guess. but it's not just images of course, also all the memorabilia, the dolls, the puzzles...all those wonderful things. i'm currently helping an amazing woman here, in her mid-70s, write her memoirs. she has had a very (very) colourful life; a european "it" girl, long before this current crop of 'pretenders'. we pour over her photo albums and she remembers the most incredible stories, little anecdotes that go with them...we're having so much fun :)
I hung on to my sons' newborn clothes and their favorite blankies. Then I let my ex store them, because he had the room and I didn't. I hope he still has that stuff. Don't get rid of the Legos, Marcie. Someday your grandkids WILL love to play with them. A truly wonderful post. GORGEOUS image of the little girl and her favorite pup.
I can't believe I didn't read this yesterday, Marcie, but first thing this morning my heart is warmed. Those photo albums, which I kept from day one while the kids grew, were heaven for them, too. I still have memories of Amy (now 37) sitting on the couch with her albums at age 8, wanting to "remember" what had happened in her short life thus far. Then they all burned in the condo fire years later, after my divorce. My ex-husband had kept all the negatives and a few years back, after the kids were grown, he took many of them and made separate photo albums as a Christmas gift for them. They both bawled like babies...and so did I when they told me the story.
Mark, now 34, still has all the Legos we bought him over the years, even into high school...some sets that cost $100 back then. We thought g'son Nicholas, age 9 (Mark's nephew), would be thrilled with them, but he's more into other toys and his Nintendo DS. So you never know. Mark will probably sell them on eBay one day and fetch a pretty penny.
The thing is, for those of us who have kids, young or grown, we all can relate to what you have written here so eloquently. Whether it's toys or photos, we often need the tangible, visible reminders of what was. If we didn't have them, I wonder what we would remember? Or how idealized and romanticized the stories would become? You're so right. Maybe that's how legends are born...with fuzzy memories that become our truth. :)
Yes, I agree, it feels sometimes like it happened in another lifetime, children move through our lives and change so quickly. Cleaning out, getting rid of things can be refreshing, regenerating, but I don't know... there are always a few very special things that are worth holding onto. And of course, our memories, they will always be there.
Such a beautifully airy image. You write so well. I read recently about why apparently we keep nostalgic stuff, and I wrote it down- "to remind us that our lives are worthwhile, that we are people of value, that we have good relationships, that we are happy and that life has some sense of purpose and meaning". I think our family photographs do that too.
Wow. Incredibly touching and true. You put it beautifully into words.
The image is fabulous and so ethereal, and your words nearly mimic what I've been thinking lately about my own children, now 22 & 15. I say keep them all, regardless if they ever get used again. The toys are like photos, but more tangible in certain ways. It's amazing how fast and slow motherhood travels, but it's an incredible journey, isn't it!
Great post!
my youngest is now....24 and about to get married. HE's also a Marine and served three tours. And once again.... I should NOT read blogs at work.... and I'm just greatful the kleenex box is only an arm length away. Beautifulpost.
And I meant to add, the the first panic attack I ever had was when I was boxing up his baby clothes.