Sunday
Apr112010
Begin Again
April 11, 2010 * * * * * Posted by: Marcie 
I awake to the morning. Not yet light…but no longer dark. And I think – just this once – it would be so good to simply pull those covers up and over my head..to wish that world away. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is just simply nothing.
Finally..and at last – it’s that spring on which I’ve been waiting. It makes no sense. I’ve soldiered my way thru the cold dark winter…only to find myself stuck here in this new day.
Without direction.
A little unsure.
A lot uncertain.
Soft around those edges that were once so sharp and clear.
Just when I thought I’d figured it all out..I’ve come to realize that I haven’t. I really haven’t. There are no answers...only questions. What has kept me grounded and glued to this ground for so long..is no longer. The kids grown. The work in hiatus. A whole world of possibility awaiting…doors wide open. And yet – here I am. In the same place..in the same bed with the same man sleeping next to me…waking to the same morning I’ve awoken to for so many years.
And yet – it’s different.
I worry.
About my grown children..and if and how they’ll make it in this brave new world. About my mother..and her health. About the state of the economy…the wars being fought overseas..the miners who died in the coal mines..the suffering in Haiti..the homeless person who I see walking down the street.
I wonder.
About how I’m going to recreate myself…who I’m going to be…what…and always when. When will I know that I’ve arrived in this place..at this destination that remains one foggy mystery?
I think.
About the future..about the past…and not about this moment and this day.
Bravely – I pull myself out of that safe but somewhat dark morning space to greet this new day. My eyes blink to meet the world..and the world winks right back at me. As if acknowledging… of gently telling me that it understands. The rain is gently falling..enveloping me in its mist. The air is cool and damp. The birds are filling the silence with their habitual morning song. The trees whose branches have been stripped bare by winter’s bite are returning to their green glory by the kiss of first spring. It is a time of re-growth..re-birth..re-newal. Perhaps - it is as simple as that?
If only..it were that easy. To one day wake up and find onself anew?
Still fuzzy and lacking clarity and direction. Still unsure. Pushing my way thru this muck and mire. Still not knowing – who..or what..or where.
Within the silence I find comfort …. a bit of certainty in all of this uncertainty and pain. Hard winter has melted into soft spring. A quiet whisper. An emerging. The ground that’s carried me for so many years..still sits solid and secure beneath me. I walk. I breathe. I get lost in the hazey splendor. The world rests and remains the same. Only I emerge – a new person..on this new day.
Whatever rises..falls.
This too…shall pass.
I return time after time..day after day.
And tomorrow – I’ll rise to greet the sun and begin again.
Reader Comments (28)
Two catch phrases come to mind, Marcie: "The days of our lives" and "a day in the life of...." When you think of the fact we (of a certain age) have lived through so many days already, no wonder it can sometimes feel wearisome! :) However, you have taken the every-day-ness of our lives and made it a poem...a paeon of praise to the fact we are still alive, even if struggling to find meaning in our existence. I look at your image and have a tear and a smile: a tear for the effort it sometimes takes to simply rise to the occasion of each day; a smile for the fact we DO rise, after all is said and done. When you write your book, you know I will be at the top of the list to buy it!
I hope that one of your 'destinations', one of your successes, one of your dreams fullfilled, and ever filling, is photography. I hope you feel you have arrived at a safe haven where you can be you, and we can love you for being you. I know I do :)
Thanks Marcie, for reflecting the thoughts, worries and doubts so many women have over and over again during their lifetime in such a poetic and touching way. It is beautiful, so is the photo.
beautiful piece, beautiful shot, beautiful ...
I could relate so much to your words, Marcie. What a great and poetic post you gave us today! Thanks for sharing :)
... Oh, and I love the image you chose!
What resonates with me most ...
" A whole world of possibility awaiting…doors wide open. And yet – here I am. In the same place.."
I feel as if most of it for me is about choosing which ... open door.
on those days i always feel entitled to what i call a mental health day, warranting a "pull the covers over your head" experience, to recharge, recuperate and reevaluate.
the image is simple yet illustrates intensely the poetry you so clearly lay before me here . a touching piece that found me knodding
"yes" throughout..
Such a gift you have; one that expresses the mundane side of life in such a beautiful manner.
Your image is stunning. Your words brought even deeper and thought provoking meaning to the image.
Thank you.
I am right there with you, Marcie. You could have been writing about me waking up this very morning. :-)
And the soft, but active, image is a perfect go-with.
Beautiful, everything, the image, your words. These same thoughts have been echoing through my own mind lately...perhaps it is this certain age? But yes, what can we do but continue forward and see where life, these questions, take us? Better that than to be stuck, not growing, not...returning.
Thank you, Marcie. This is a lovely post and photograph. Simply lovely, vulnerable, and authentic. Namaste.
I feel like that so many mornings, just wanting to snuggle back under the covers, but then the mutts feel me stirring and are immediately in my face for snuggles and belly rubs and all is right with the world...at least for a little while. Wonderful post, as always. :)
You’ve so gracefully shared your heart within this post Marcie and with each word another chord sounded in my soul. Your ability to touch those sacred yet oft times forbidden places of question, especially for women of a certain age, is magical indeed. The photo is magnificent as well – truly stunning and so apropos.
Skillfully and beautifully done Marcie, thank you!
Peace to you …
this is so beautifully written. and i love the photograph. it's gorgeous. wow.
this feeling that you are waiting for something, that is what i'm feeling right now.
and starting new everyday. i love that idea.
Marcie, you take some of the most subtle and intensely beautiful pictures I have ever seen. I look at some of your pictures, like this one, and just marvel and ask myself, how in the world did you see that picture to take it.
You can make uncertainty feel beautiful.
A new season, a new day...always a chance to begin again. Great words to help us pause and think. And as always, a beautiful image to go with.
marcie, sometimes i too wake like that in those early hours pre-dawn. the silence and stillness can be oh so overwhelming...and time to think; do you find you surround yourself with 'busy-ness', lots to do, so you don't get weighed down by these circling thoughts. i do that sometimes. sometimes, lost inside our own heads can be a scary place, or at the least one that gives us pause.
you know what leaped out at me whilst reading the first bit of your post... i can see you taking a trip, going on an adventure: India, Africa, you and a camera... i can really see it :)
Lovely post and many thing I can relate to and other that made me think. The image is gorgeous Marcie!
no words - you used them all up - perfectly!
xo from my heart.
Marcie, this is a wonderful post, I love the picture so much, it is fabulous.
There is nothing wrong with having doubts, to be scared, to feel lost, it is for the strong among us to face the world we live in.
We as in 'we mothers' always will have doubts; did we do good.....yes, we did in our best intentions and yes they will survive just as we survived.
It makes us strong to be vulnerable.....I hope you do understand what I hope to say, sometimes English is difficult.
I try to read as much as I can on V&V and I love it.
Beautiful story, and the image is just lovely. Like your story, it is hard to imagine the direction the swan is taking in the monotone landscape.
There is one thing for certain in your life.... and that is your God given ability to express yourself so eloquently with words and an eye for capturing beautiful images.