Sunday
May092010
Doodles and Dreams
May 9, 2010 * * * * * Posted by: Marcie 
A closet full of clothes..and not a single thing to wear.
A refrigerator full of food..and nothing at all good to eat.
A life of experiences..and not anything at all to say.
A blank page staring back at me…awaiting my words to fill it. With something. With a story. With my truth. With my ‘art’. Dare I say it out loud? Dare I whisper? Dare - I do.
It was during a recent visit to my local art store that I found myself surprisingly lost in a maze of endless possibility.
Oil paints to my right..acrylics to my left. Paintbrushes at the end of the long aisle. Beautiful textured..patterned papers. Clay and glass and yarn. Sketchbooks. Soft charcoal pencils and colored pens. Pastels and crayons..and more.
Like a kid finding herself in a candy shop for the very first time, I found myself seduced by its promise of creativity. Mesmerized by the unknown prospects and all of that untapped potential..I walked each aisle.
A new journey. A new imagining.
Dreaming of what I might do..who I might be – if I only dared to try. Minutes became hours. I gently caressed each of the soft brushes..tasted the colors..smelled the oil paint…and began to see where I might begin and how.
Beginning. We were all beginners once. We all have a first time. A first start. A defining moment when we take that first step. Now would be as good a time as any. To begin with a beginner’s mind..to know for certain that I know nothing at all.
A blank canvas beckons. Perhaps a wash of color..followed by layers of textured papers..and then a splash of brightly colored paint? Perhaps – a few words? Perhaps – no words at all? My hands would find themselves covered in paint and glue. A sticky..colorful mess. Perhaps - a handmade book? Perhaps – a hand-painted photograph? Perhaps an abstract piece that was created for no good reason at all? With no agenda. With no rules. With nothing other to do..than this.
I wander. I wonder. I question those self-defeating thoughts....those voices that echo repeatedly in my head.
I’m not an ‘artist’. How dare I be so bold and so brazen as to even think of myself as such. What would make me even consider such a possibility?
And then –what iff I did? What iff I dared to wear that crown..the one that I have so convinced myself is not for me? And– what iff my canvas is the world around me..my camera the brushes with which I paint? Or what iff I dipped my fingers and heart and soul into something totally new?
Who would I be?
What is it that defines and labels me? And – who is to say what makes an artist..and what an artist makes? And - what iff I fail? Or – even worse – what iff I succeed? And then – who is it who is grading me pass/fail? Only me. The sound of my own voice limiting me..telling me what I can and cannot do...dictating who I can and cannot be
At times – it’s the decision making and permission granting that is the hardest part. Someone tell me what. Someone tell me who. Someone tell me when and where. If I knew which clothes – today – were the right ones..I’d surely find them in my closet to wear. If I knew what food it is I’m craving.. I’d no doubt find it to eat.
It's never-ending. This journey and process of re-assessing. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out ..I find that I really haven’t.
The blank page beckons. Lost in the aisles..and found.
With my camera swinging from my shoulder…I looked down at my cart - now loaded with textured linen papers, paints, pens and pastels. And the blank page that was so eagerly staring back at me is now filled with my doodles and dreams.
Reader Comments (18)
I don't mean to be LOLing, Marcie, in a making-fun-of-you way at all but in that HOW DID YOU KNOW me nervous way of AHHH, so I'm NOT the only one! Sister Ruth, my younger, is always telling me she wants to know what I think...not what someone else thinks. What do I want to do or say? What is MY voice? Why is it that I have to ask Astrid which of these two pictures she likes better? Why can't I decide for myself? How is it we grew up wondering what other people think as though THAT were more important than what WE think? And when did we learn we're not supposed to color outside the lines?? And why NOT spell 'if' with 2 'ff's all the time!
I can't imagine you coming up with something better than you've already done over and over again. But kudos to you if you do!
reminds me of that commercial for art courses, it's a serious scene in a police station, a witness describing a perp to the police sketch artist, and after all of the describing, the sketch guy says 'is THIS the guy?' and whips around a picture of a stick figure, and the oriental guy who was explaining all this time what the perp looked like gets angry and yells in that accent 'YO NOH A ARTIST!!! YO CANNOT DWAW!!!' but you my dear are the artist's artist, i would kill somebody to be able to take pictures like you do, not really, but i would really really love to be able to take pictures like you do!!
it is an intoxicating feeling..you described it so well here..have fun!
I try to: do it for the pleasure of doing, not for the result and surely not for what others think. Do it for the act and pleasure of doing and find out if you liked doing it and if you'd do it again. if not, that is ok too
Great thoughts about being creative. Sometimes we get so locked up in what we already know how to do that we don't have the courage to express ourselves in a whole new way. But what fun to branch out and learn something new--just for the personal joy.
Your photo is so full of light. Inspiring.
Oh my gosh Marcie, you have to go and read my post on mrs mediocrity today, I even used two of the same words in a phrase together, "wonder, wander," and then I wandered over here and it is almost like you wrote, using different words, the same exact everything that I was feeling. And what more can I say since I can so relate, except that you are an artist. You just are. Doodles ARE dreams.
Thank you, Marcie. I enjoyed your musings and wish I could see your doodles. I have not fully embraced my artist self yet, but I am entertaining her! So your words resonate and draw me in. Peace.
Thank you, Marcie. This is the best thing I've read in a long time. To be willing to be a beginner at every stage of life is so important but perhaps most important once we've reached a "certain age."
So much of what you've written here resonates with me but this jumped out at me:
"If I knew which clothes – today – were the right ones..I’d surely find them in my closet to wear. If I knew what food it is I’m craving.. I’d no doubt find it to eat."
Inspiring. Thank you!
The photo is wonderful; pure joy and so much like a blank canvas. The child has not yet been painted with a dislike for dandelions, so loves to see their beauty and searches for one that is ready for picking and that blow to scatter the seeds to the wind.
Let go and run with it!
you've written this so beautifully! it feels like you crawled right inside my mind and put pen to paper. i feel this exact way when i go into an art shop, or even the "paper" section of target. so many possibilities. the only thing holding me back is me.
I agree with those up above me - you are an artist with your words, well...your photos, too, but it is your words that are pure artistry. I do love your photo - so carefree and full of wild abandon and joy, running through the dandelion field.
Last summer, when I was going through 48 years of accumulated possessions in an attempt to winnow it down to a manageable and affordable 200 cubic feet for shipping to the UK, one thing that made the cut was a box of art supplies.
More than a seldom used collection of paints, brushes, papers, and charcoal, this box held a dream for the future that despite being somewhat shaken by a " C " received years earlier as a grade in a University art class, still lived, tucked safely away in my heart.
Thanks for reminding me of the art box that waits under the daybed and for sharing your thoughts on freeing the artist within.
Beautiful picture! Well done!
You are the author/authority in and of your life. It's wonderful!
Happy birth day.
What an incredible gift for words you have. I always read your posts two or three times and find something new each time. Thanks Marcie.
Hi Marcie! I see you almost every day and yet, I had no idea you were doing all this? Congratulations! This blog is great and I loved every one of your posts. You are so talented in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. My blog is relatively new, and I have been a little behind in posting lately, but I hope to be blogging again soon. I've just been busy working on some other projects. When I resume my blogging, I am thinking of having a new format. Something a little more concise, but still along the lines of being healthy in the mind and body.
I look forward to reading more of your posts!
See you soon!
Best,
Nicole
you know what your post makes me want to do? i want to build a studio. a creative 'me' space...somewhere to be, somewhere to think, to create, to huddle up and think my way through all the possibilities. i am going to ask james when i get home what he thinks... you have just given me this idea....hmmmmmm, wonder what he'll think :)