Monday
Jul122010
the garden of my discontent
July 12, 2010 * * * * * Posted by: Kelly 
I am having growing pains. Or rather, not-growing pains. I decided, earlier this year, that something had to give. I had too much going on, I was overwhelmed, I couldn't keep up with everything. And so, gardening is what I gave up. I gave my garden back to itself, and apparently it is just fine with that. I am the one having all the problems.
I miss it. Too much.
I missed pouring through seed catalogs way back in February. I usually start 10-15 flats of seeds, and I missed not watching those tiny little sprouts turn into tiny little seedlings that would later be become beautiful flowers. I missed trying out new varieties and unusual plants. I missed the old stand-bys. I missed the feeling that Spring had come early right there in my basement, green plants growing while, outside, snow was still on the ground.
In May, I missed the two-week frenzy of getting all those flats planted, even though I always complain when it has to be done. I missed the aches and pains felt after a long day in the sun. I missed poking morning glory, sunflower, zinnia and marigold seeds directly into the ground. And I am missing all those flowers, now.
I missed my fresh-picked lettuce, and tiny red radishes. Soon, my husband will be missing tomatoes. And cucumbers. I miss picking a cucumber for my lunch.
I miss all the babying, the transplanting, the checking and the watering and the cursing of the bunnies when they mow my little babies to the ground. I miss watering in the mornings, before it gets hot, and then walking down each path to see which blooms are open, which will be next, which ones are spent and need removing.
I miss knowing every square inch of the soil, the location of each chipmunk hole, which spot gets a little more shade, which has the sandier soil. I miss the constant care, the watching over, the nurturing. I miss getting my hands dirty.
So much of gardening is waiting and patience, mystery and chance. And I miss those, too. I miss finding the one lone flower of a species I thought was gone, in a place I had never planted it, like the crocosmia in this photo. I miss finding all the volunteers that pop up in places unexpected, sometimes creating the perfect combination of plants and colors.
Right now, I can't even walk down the paths, too many plants are overgrown, spilling over. There are weeds as large as the flowers. On the surface it all looks okay, a casual observer might not notice that my garden has been neglected, left on its own to run wild. But I know. And I know that beneath that first glance, much care is needed.
One day soon I will start the process of taking back the jungle. Pulling weeds, cleaning up, tending. Bending nature to my will in small, tiny ways.
I have discovered this year that, despite my best efforts, I cannot not-garden.
Reader Comments (22)
This reminds me of the little kid in church who kept standing up in the pew while his mother kept yanking him down. Once he finally stayed down he looked up at her and said through clenched teeth, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm standing up on the inside!" :)
You said it perfectly at the end: you cannot NOT garden! Maybe this is the year for things to lie fallow, Kelly...to listen to your body while the ground regroups for your gentle prodding another day. My guess is it's a process we all need to go through from time to time, so thanks for the reminder to pay attention and listen to what our outsides and insides both are telling us. This is a beautiful post, Kelly, and the image speaks of those surprises that pop up whenever we have our eyes open to see them.
Funny how we sometimes think we won't miss something that has been essential and important to us...and that the only way to get it back and rekindle the joy is to let it go. Sounds as if you've discovered something about yourself and what you truly need to be happy and whole and well-rounded.
So beautifully said - both in word..and image!
Kelly, beautiful photo....there's nothing more to say after Ginnie & Marcie's perfect words...such wisdom!
Beautiful photo ! Lovely post, like Susan nothing more to add
We often don't realize how much we miss something until we stop doing it or it's no longer there. Here's to you finding your way back . . . . .
Kelly, I feel the same. I can not - not garden. But this year I am so busy it seems like the want/ need/ fun isn't there...all I do is weed and gripe. I might consider a break next year and do farmers market...maybe not.
Lovely image!
it sounds like a good thing. now you really know how much you love it...and when you are ready, the garden will be ready.
I am not a gardener, but I like there to be things out there I can fiddle with. I don't buy seeds, I buy plants - LOL! It is nourishment, and as one who has had to let some things go this year, I can say I understand, but this is something that feeds you so well. I hope you figure a way to bring it back into your life & let something else go.
AS always, just beautiful. It was a bit different this year not sitting in your garden surrounded by all the flowers and your hard work. That was ok though cause you really have had a very full plate, if you need any help let me know, as long as I don't see any snakes, etc I'll be fine :)
Funny - I did the same thing this year - being overwhelmed with too much I gave my p-patch garden plot to my BF to manage. I get a little jealous every time he comes home with dirty hands an a stack of fresh rainbow chard in his bag. I bet if you pick up the garden again next season you will appreciate it tons more! Beautiful photo, by the way.
oh kelly, what a fabulous post.
i gave the gardening over to my husband years ago. i've grown not to miss it.... but i suppose it's easier when someone else is still tending to it. john just planted a vegetable garden this year... and it's been so fun to see it grow. but, last sunday he was so overwhelmed by the excess lettuce that i thought he was going to have a meltdown. he didn't want to see any going to waste... which lead to the dehydrator. :) it actually worked out as he planned. it crumbled up much like a herb or spice and he plans on mixing it with water or juice to get extra greens. unfortunately i would probably gag if i tried to drink it that way... haha...
thanks for sharing your beautiful words...and images.
xxo, kim
but there's nothing like the reward of gardening and new life. pg would love this post.... i must share it with her.
xxo, kim
A wonderful post! I'm sure all gardeners will empathise with you!
It provoked thoughts of my mum, a lifelong gardener, who in later life really suffered badly with arthritis. She said that she would never stop gardening even if reduced to just a couple of pots on the windowsill.
I like the crocosmia picture. I know it as monbretia, and have two clumps of it on my plot. xx
i remember my mother standing in her garden, wearing a bathing suit and long rubber boots. the black ones with burnt orange trim. she hated snakes, with a passion and carried a round mouth shovel with her at all times to bang the unfortunate snakes that strayed to close. she had the most wonderful garden, full of flowers and vegetables. i do not love to garden. i love flowers but it ends there. great post.
I loved reading this. It is a clear picture of when you need to set a little piece of yourself aside for the greater good, but it also makes me think that it's not really for your greater good, because it's a piece of yourself, and I loved that you learned that, and said "I cannot not-garden".
Much like me and glass, Kelly. I needed the break, although for different reasons, but when I came back to it I realized how much I missed it and needed it. I, too, like to garden, although I don't start my own. I think my best thoughts come when I'm gardening. Excellent post and a beautiful photo.
Kelly, what a beautiful post! I don't think I could give up on gardening - like you I love to wander around and watch how the garden is doing, which flower is open, how the veggies have grown, the excitement of seeing something come back that we already had given up. I can understand how much you miss it. Now you know that you truly love it. And the photo is super beautiful. I never knew the name of that flower, it popped up in my garden some years ago and has come back ever since. Only mine is magenta. - Thanks for this lovely post.
that photo is amazing! i have lilies like that in my garden that I planted last year. I too am just laying back and letting them grow so that the path is nearly covered, but I'm not missing it. I've regained so much more time to paint. And I'm loving the jungle look :)
xo, juliette
Kelly, that picture is just gorgeous, I love the texture you used! As for the gardening, anyone who can create such a beautiful picture of a flower is born to live in a garden. Good luck on finding your way back into gardening.
A gorgeous post, Kelly, and I simply adore the photo - truly beautiful.
As others have already said, I think its only when we give something up that we actually find out how important it is to us. I found the same with my art when I began my teaching career - I thought that as I'd still have plenty of opportunities to be creative in other ways it'd be ok. Now I know how vital it is for me as a person: its who I am and I can't deny it's expression anymore.
It seems that your own journey has brought you to this point of 'self discovery' too. Its tricky negotiating a way to satisfy all the longings of our heart and soul, but I feel certain you will find how best to simply 'be' your true, unique and authetic self - much to the joy of us all who have to privilage of sharing this exciting journey with you.
Hugs xxx
I gave up gardening too this year. I thought the house would sell in the winter and that they would no longer be my gardens. I am not sure I miss it though, I miss the results, the hard work not so much - maybe I am ready to return to pot gardening - gardening in pots. Plus I'm petrified of worms, gardening in the real gardens results in much screaming!
last year we had a square-foot garden, or rather several of them. and then i organised my own herb garden...had visions of myself pottering through the lavender in the early evening, glass of wine in hand, thinking 'yes...this is all how's it's meant to be'. only our cook rather took over and let my little piddly herb garden die, as he was concentrating on a much bigger one outside the garden (could feed millions with it), and yes..whilst it prospered and we've had an amazing year of home-grown vege's and herbs to die for, I do rather miss my own little garden. I am going to reclaim something back fairly soon, if its just a little pot garden on the veranda :)
My garden is looking better today than a few days ago but I "do" my gardening when I have time and feel for it. Other than that I let it grow as it like :-) Gorgeous image!!