The End
October 27, 2011 * * * * * Posted by: Puna 
We all know that our life here on earth is temporary but we still don't quite know how to plan for our death. Quite a statement that is - who wants to think about planning for our death when we have so much life to live?
But - as my as my pastor says, "The death rate hovers around 100 percent."
My husband and I made quick visit to his mother's nursing home faciility yesterday. Her body is there, but not her mind. She recognized that she knew us but she couldn't process who we really were. She called my husband by his brother's name, the same brother who passed away five years ago.
I spent some time on the flights there and back to ponder my own last years on earth.
I thought of my own sister, who suffers from advanced stages of ALS. Her condition is opposite than that of my mother-in-law. Her mind is active and she calls us by our names, but cannot give us a hug. Her body lies useless to her in bed.
So I think of my own pending death. It's inevitable - would I rather have my mind and not my body? Or would it be easier to not know the failings of my body?
What a question and what a choice. So I'm asking it this way - which would be easier for my family?
Before I go on, I want to say that our family has come to terms with both of our loved one's condition - as sad as it is. We experienced the gamut of emotion, ranging from shock to sadness to acceptance. I hope it's a healthy process, one that allows all of us to deal with life's trials but yet continue to live it.
And today, just before I started this post, I just made adjustments to my life insurance policy.
The questions of how long we live and when we die - brrrrr, but Halloween is right around the corner after all.
So the answer to the above question is - I would rather live until right before my life insurance expires and then die in a hang gliding accident.
I'm not being trite or dismissive. I am being 100 percent practical and truthful. I want to live to see my children get married, have their own children, hold those grandchildren, see those grandchildren go through life and have their own children. Then I want to die doing something thrilling and something that one would never expect a 75 year old woman to do. I want my family to say, "Mama Puna loved us with all her heart, lived life to the fullest, served God with her might and soul and went to Him with a bang."
Just looking out for my family you know?
Death
Reader Comments (16)
Such a tough subject, Puna. You and your loved ones have a tough reality to live through. It's such a sobering thought to be aware of one's death, however it's also what makes life so much more precious. It is quite a fine balance remembering that we do not last forever without forgetting to live and to be alive :-)
At age 91 my father continues to enjoy a full life. The two of us have talked about death in an honest and open manner. We both agree that there are some things worse than death; lingering too long without any quality of life being one of them.
Thank you for challenging us to ponder this often ignored subject. Your image thought provoking as well.
So many things to think about here. I've always said that I want to live 'healthy' and 'strong' and 'able' all the way into my 90's..and be struck by lightning while in the middle of an early morning swim. But - of course - we don't get to choose. We can only hope and wish to be there in full body and mind and spirit.
A difficult subject - and you've spoken about so openly and with such tenderness and heart. Much to think about here. Thank-you!
I have seen severe Alzheimers from up close, not a great way to go to the end. But knowing myself, a physical handicap is also bad, so I think either way, both are not a good way to end a life time with. I hope to do quietly in my sleep without bothering anyone.
I had to laugh, Puna, when I read "I would rather live until right before my life insurance expires and then die in a hang gliding accident." For one thing, I've always said I want to try hang-gliding before I kick the bucket. And for another, Astrid and I always say that if we die together, we hope it's AFTER our vacation instead of before, so that we won't waste any money. HA!
Seriously, though, I love how you have written this. THANK YOU. Maybe if we all could see the humor in death a bit more we'd allow ourselves to be more ready for it, whenever/however it happens. I hate the thought of having Alzheimer's before I die, like my mom did. However, I think of all the times we had such good laughs over her antics. Not at her expense, of course, but seeing the situation with different eyes. If you don't laugh, you die in your misery.
One thing my mom's death did for me was to see the importance of long-term-care insurance, which I took out immediately. I rest a bit better knowing my kids will not have to take care of me if I, too, get Alzheimer's. Getting our Wills made out and having proper life insurance is part of facing our mortality. Once that's taken care of, why not just take life by the tail and enjoy it. We all need to come to terms with death, ours or anyone else's. Period. As you said, it's 100% certain. Totally predictable except for the how and when. Everything else we get along the way till then is pure gift.
Love the photo, the story it tells on it's own. Your writing is so powerful, addressing death, which we don't like to do in this culture. It all brought to mind one of my favorite movies of all time, "Second Hand Lions"...well worth watching.
My father passes away this year at 88. The last year was especially hard - for us, not him. He had some dementia, and it was so difficult for my mother and us children to lose the man he was. Someone told me that Dementia was Nature's (or God's, if you prefer) gift to my father. To make it easier on HIM. I can accept that, I guess.
I've been through so many deaths - - my adoptive mom, dad, and brother, and my birth dad. Death doesn't frighten me so much as being sick and lingering, Or of leaving people with so many questions and hurt. That's what frightens me. I want to live to the fullest and make sure the people I love know how much they mean to me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or thinking my life was anything less than grand.
In the late 80's, i was a med-surg social worker on an HIV unit which was called, special immunology, and most of the patients wondered what was "special" about having AIDS. i watched 100's of people die, and i am not really certain what "coming to terms" with it really means. it is surely certain. no one wants it.
one thing i know for sure is that loss is part of the thread that binds us all, because each of us has experienced it. it still doesn't mean that we "know" what anyone else is feeling, because each of us is different.
i wish that our culture had a lamaze class for the end of life. hospice gets close, but not all hospice systems are swell.
AIDS taught me to live each day as if i was hang gliding, treasure every moment, and if i didn't enjoy what i was doing, to do something else. i read a lot about how steve jobs lived once he knew that had pancreatic cancer. so many lessons...for me, that is acceptance. embracing life in every possible way.
and never ever forgetting that loving people is what sustains me...
thanks for this thought provoking post.
It is a difficult thought to ponder. I have seen people suffering from Alzheimers and how distressing that is for everyone. I have also seen people suffering with terminal illnesses and seen them fade away. Neither way is good and it is so undignified for the person who has the illness.
Maybe your choice of going out with a big bang is the best way after all :-) Although it would be a shock for those that were left behind...
oh goodness. the picture got me even before i read your words. and made me think...i, ilke you, want to be able to say 'i've really lived' and then yes...go out with a bang, i wouldn't want to linger. i suppose we never know until it happens.
this picture just touched my heart. it is such a difficult subject to ponder. as my parents age, i think about it more and more. and it does make me try to live each day to the fullest, to be kinder, to express my love, to let the small stuff go. this was a very thought-provoking post. thank you.
Puna, you touched questions here that I have been asking myself more often recently. I, too, want to age gracefully, with strength in body and mind and then, hopefully, die in my sleep. I don't want to become a burden for my family. That's my wish - but what will the reality look like? It is something we have to face, there is no way around it, and I liked your approach a lot, to keep the humor. It is a serious topic, so let's put some laughter into it. And work on our insurance.
Puna, I understand this so well and my heart is with you for both your mother-in-law and your sister...neither condition is one we would "want" and the reality is that we do not get to choose how we die, only how we live. I too am going through a watch and wait end of life with my mother-in-law right now. 95 and she has been fully competent physically and mentally until a fall in early September and now we are on the slow decline from congestive heart failure. Thinking about life and how we want to live it ... for me that is the key. I can't know what the ending is until I get there, but I know that I can "control" the how I am right now. Beautiful post with many good questions and thoughts.
That picture tells the whole story. A difficult subject, I am still processing on it
Something to think about here.
I do think about dead, but am not sure if I know how will I react when the time comes. I try to be practical too, but there's always something that makes me uncomfortable - I don't know the feeling, so I don't know what will it be. See, I'm still confused.