Saturday
Mar192011
I Love You
March 19, 2011 * * * * * Posted by: guest blogger 
It was Mother’s Day 2010.
We spent the day at my parents. We had a lovely meal, visited, went for a drive. It was really nice. We came home and sat down ready to relax for a bit. My hubby turned on the television and there stood a preacher talking about the importance of saying ‘I love you, Mom’. He talked on about how we must tell our parents we love them.
I became really uncomfortable. I knew I was the only one in the room that had a problem with this! My boys say I love you Mom all the time. My hubby says it to his Mom very freely. But, oh my... I find it so hard to say those three simple words to my parents. I felt like all eyes were on me. So I said defensively, ‘What?’.... It’s different for me. My parents don’t show affection!’ And my oldest son simply said, ‘So, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, Mom!’ My hubby said, ‘just start, it will get easier, Kimmy’.
I’m not sure when it became difficult. I don’t remember saying it that often, even as a child. And I do know my parent’s parents rarely if ever said it to them. So I understand why they were uncomfortable with it.
When we had our boys, it was as natural as natural could be. So easy to say I love you. So easy to hug them. It’s funny how that worked. But I am so very thankful the cycle stopped.
My boys are very loving. It’s so easy for them to show affection. They can wrap their big long arms around me and say ‘I love you’...so easily and naturally. I love how they so openly say it to their grandparents, aunties etc... It’s beautiful!
And the funny thing is, my parents say I love you to our boys very freely!
So I suppose the cycle has been broken. But is that enough?
Nope. I must get past this. Slowly I am working on it. I don’t say it all the time, not even regularly. But, with a big internal breath and some quiet self-talk, I now can say I love you. And I can even give them the occasional hug. I’d like to say it’s been easy. I’d like to say it feels good. But, honestly, It feels kind of unnatural! With time, I’m hoping it will get easier.
And so, my friends, I am thankful for Mother’s Day 2010. I am thankful the cycle has ended.
Am I alone? Can you relate? Any advice? I’d love to hear.
xxo....love and gratitude, Kim
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Special guest post today by Kim Klassen – whose textures we all adore - and whose work can be found over at Kim Klassen Cafe .Thank you for joining us here today, Kim, and for sharing with us your thoughtful words and beautiful image.
Reader Comments (26)
I lvoe your words, and the image: as always, right into my heart. Some people can say the words easier than other. For me the most important thing is KNOWING if someone loves me... without the words you can feel that too, I have experienced. I do say the words to some people, my husband for one, but I am more of a writer of the words, in cards and letters and stuff. But my dear ones KNOW I love them.
Reading what Chantal has written reminds me of what I read years ago about the 5 different ways we tell people we love them. Some people 'say' it by giving gifts, others by doing special things, etc. There are many who don't use the 3 words easily/frequently, if at all. In your case, Kim, it sounds like you ARE a verbal lover but experience a barrier with your parents...and that's what you're working your way through. I'm a true believer in knowing something first as being half of what gets you there. Which is to say you are well on your way. One day it will happen and you might not be the first to know it. It may be one of your sons who will look at you with a smile and you'll say "What?!" And then you'll suddenly smile yourself.
I LOVE that you are our guest today...especially since I'm one who often uses your textures. THANK YOU for your gift to the world. We all love you! :)
Ooooh Kim - your words bring tears to my eyes. I - too - struggle with saying those words to my mother..whereas I say them all the time to my kids. At times - I think it's just a generational thing...the different times we live in. But - it's no longer an excuse...and time I was able to say it out loud to all whom I do love.
Welcome..welcome and thank-you for joining us here today!
This was an interesting post . . . my parents always told me they loved me as a child and even as an adult, but somewhere around adulthood it became more difficult for me to say those words not only to my parents but also my siblings (I have no idea why). Since my father passed away 8 years ago all that changed. I now make sure to tell them I love them each time I speak to them, it felt a little awkward at first but now it feels like second nature. x
Hey Kim, first I'm happy for another chance to say thanks to you for all the beautiful things that you share. And because you seem to do all that so freely, I know what a sweet and caring lady that you are. My only thoughts are this ... it has been oh, so many years since I have had the chance to say I love you to my folks and if I could I would call them up every single day just to do that. Remember what we are all trying to learn, to have no regrets. All the best to you.
Beautifully written post; one that has caused me to try to ponder my own relationship with my parents.
My mother and I went through a period where we "struggled" with our relationship. I felt she was very critical of everything I said and did and I, only out of respect, played the role of dutiful daughter -- but not always in a very loving way. Then I went through a personal 'challenge.' My mother dealt with that 'challenge' in a very wise, loving manner. My 'challenge' and her response changed our relationship. Shortly after the 'challenge' I found myself saying "I love you" at the end of each phone conversation and as we would say our goodbyes at the end of our visits.
It wasn't too long after my 'challenge' that mother became gravely ill, went into a coma, and within two weeks passed away.
I was a peace with our relationship at the time of her passing because I had learned to love her in a way I hadn't before and to say "I LOVE YOU" to her.
*sigh* We never know how important those three little words can be or when we may no longer have the chance to say them to someone we love.
Speaking of saying nice things to someone -- I am a great admirer of your work and I thoroughly enjoyed being in your on-line class. I learned a great deal through your easy to follow, very professional style of teaching.
Thank you for sharing your gifts with us today at Vision and Verb.
I also want to say thanks for sharing your techniques so freely. Generosity is love.
A long time ago, I was taught and believe that our brains only know what we tell it. Affirmations became quite popular about 20 years ago because of this concept, and I think that if you try telling yourself ( a lot!) that you look forward to saying, "I love you," to your parents or another sentence like, "I will always say 'I love you" before leaving my parents house," after a while, your feelings will catch onto the behavior change, and you might not even notice that you stopped telling your brain. Change the behavior...the feelings catch up!
It's just something that has worked for me...
My son and I say I love you so many times a day I can't keep count. My mom and I said it so few times I could probably keep count on one hand in a year's time. Not sure why it was that way or how it's not in my home. It just feels natural between me and my son. My mom took her life when I was 29 on a Wednesday sometime in the early hours of the morning. Lucky for me on Tuesday night I told her I loved her on the phone.
it is a generation thing. our parents didn't say i love you and they didn't talk about problems either. nothing was ever out in the open but i see with my own mother, 92, how much she has changed over the last few years, how her grandchildren have changed her and how our relationship has benefitted from a more "open concept". sometimes we need to be happy with the laughter and the tears, true signs of affection. so happy to see you over here!!!
What a fabulous post, Kim. My parents have always said it to me, and I to them, but my sister has a hard time saying it to them.
And my husband has told me that his father never said it to him, so he always made sure to say it to his children right from the start, and all of our kids say it freely.
I do think it is just as important to show it with your actions, the words are wonderful to hear, but the actions mean just as much, and sometimes more.
I think if you begin to say it to your parents it will become easier with time, but even if it doesn't, you can show them how much you care.
beautiful post and well written. as one of the commenters above state words are great but you have to have the actions too. Words aren't always easy to say and some say words without meaning which in my opinion is worse. we only have each other for a precious short time make the most of what you have now not and you never have to worry later that you could or should have done more.
Hi Kim: I can relate totally. I also told my boys I loved them all of the time and they were free to get a kiss and a hug from me whenever they wanted. I did not have this luxury when I was growing up. I do not remember ever hearing either of my parents say they loved me. It was some years after having my own children that I told my mother one day on the phone I Love You. There was silence on the other end and finally she ended the call and I cried. The next week during our weekly call I began to say good bye when I heard my Mother say I love you. She and I said it freely from then on. My Mom died in 2006. Since then I it is my Dad and I who say I love you at the end of our calls. Keep working on it. Valerie
My mother did not say 'I love you' and neither did I for many years. It must have been 3 or 4 years ago that I felt that I really needed to tell her that I loved her. She was taken by surprise. Do you really mean that? She asked.
A few phone calls later she started saying it to me too. It was then I realised that nobody in my mother's life would have said that to her. No wonder she could not say it herself - she never heard it before.
Oh Kim, this goes right into my heart. I say "I love you" to my daughter every day, and also to my husband. I am grateful that I had started to say it to my mother because she died a few years ago and I wouldn't have the chance to say it to her anymore. I struggle to say it to my dad, and he probably might need it more than anything.
Sometimes I think the words "i love you" or just "luv ya" have lost all their true meaning.
This is difficult...
I'm so glad you're here today, Kim. Thanks to your wonderful online class I finally enjoy Photoshop and play around with textures like mad. A real big change in my life. You give so much - THAT is love as well.
I'd rather experience love and show it than say it.
My husband says he likes getting cards from me because I can say it in a note or card, but verbally is difficult for me. I am not sure why, it just is. Thanks for these words.
My husband, Jim, had a problem with being able to say, "I love you", to his dad. He (hubby) was raised by a loving aunt, as his parents gave him up as an infant. I don't know what his dad went through growing up, or what made him the person he was, but he focused mostly on the negative side of the things in life and in people; and made it known with frequent bouts of expletives. However, Jim felt to tell his dad that he loved him, and it I could tell that it was awkward for him, but every time we went to visit; he would awkwardly give his dad a hug and say, "I love you". I could see his dad's back stiffen, each time, but Jim did it til the day he died, and I know that he is glad that he did. He doesn't understand why things were the way they were, but he has peace that he did his part.
I just had to say thank you all so much for your comments, thoughts and ideas....
and for your encouraging words...
Wow, what a treat.... 'sigh'
I do agree actions speak louder than words... but I do think it's important to say how we feel.
so much of what you all have shared has touched me deeply..... thank you!
I will continue to tell my parents how much i love them. I have no doubt that they love me...and I know they know how much I love them... Heck, they live across the street now... lol.... It's kind of funny that we can be so 'close' but yet saying I love you is so hard...
'sigh'
what a treat it's been to visit you all in the beautiful space...
xxo, Kim
Thank you for joining us here today, Kim - I'll have to check out your website. I think it might be a generational thing. There was a period of time when I, too, found it hard to tell my mother that I loved her, even though I did. Then my family moved away from her and I decided it was important that she knew that so I started to end my phone calls with I love you. I think it took her by surprise the first few times, but now it is second nature. Just keep at it, it gets easier.
Kim, thank you for this post. My father used to tell me he loved me a lot when I was little, but my mother not so much. As I got older, a teenager, our family became more and more dysfunctional and my mother became extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. I handled that by closing down and shutting her out. She took her life when I was 27 and I know she went to her death believing that I was a very cold and selfish person. That was my survival mode, and throughout many years of counseling I learned that that way of self-protection helped me survive. But it became a real part of me. Even with my own children I wasn't as affectionate as I could have been and mostly said "I love you" in cards. (I do know, because they tell me now, they did feel loved; I don't know how they became such good people!) Fast foward 26 years. On October 8, 1990 my oldest son, my dear sweet Tim, a Marine Corporal, was killed in a helicopter collision over the Gulf of Oman during Operation Desert Shield. I began to react in my old way, to shut down and shut out the pain. I didn't even cry much that day the Marines came to my home. And, of course I took on my usual role of tryin to take care of everyone else so the focus wouldn't be so much on me. The day after Tim's death my home became filled with young people who were Tim's friends. Young men and women, they cried and hugged and said they loved each other and Timmy and me! My whole life then become a "before" and "after." The 20 years of missing my son has never become easy and never will, but now I've become a hugger and tell everyone I care about that I love them! I think of it as a gift from Tim. Since that time I've even been able to forgive my mother and understand her pain and, yes, tell her I love her. I hope she can hear. Kim, you're a wonderful, loving, generous woman who shares your talent freely with all. When I see your Xs and Os, as well as your "hugs" on e-mails I feel loved even though I don't know you at all!! I just betcha your mom knows how loved she is! Sometimes, when you only say the words at the most heartfelt moments they become even more special. I think you should just be who you are and you'll find your loving self will just come shining through!!
Can I relate? Oh my, yes! My mother and I are (were) the same. Somehow, my daughter has helped to break down the barriers and we do tell each other now. The more difficult one is with my father. That is my issue, I know...I'm working on it though. :)
I adore how you captured this difficult subject...what a beautiful post. Thank you kim. xxo
I hope action speaks louder than words because I truly use actions as I'm no speaker of great words no matter how much I love... It doesn't come naturally to me. Your post made me think a lot about this.
I thank you so much for your loving and sharing personality and for this post.
I don't know how or why some people find it so hard to say "I Love You" and can relate to your difficulties within your own family. Somehow, things changed after leaving home because my parents, who never said those words to us when we were growing up, began closing phone calls with "I Love You" along with the goodbye. Perhaps distance and missing us (we all left home to go to schools far away) made them realize we needed to hear those words to KNOW we were loved. All of my siblings (including a half-brother with whom I had no childhood relationship) and myself now say those words to one another quite freely. In both cases (with my parents and my siblings), feeling natural with saying "I Love You" took time because we hadn't grown up with that in our lives. (Oh, I'm so happy on another level to have found this post today... I've seen your name on Flickr with reference to textures used by other photographers and now that I've found you here, I'll be adding your blog to my followed list and hope to find the time one day soon to learn about textures myself! My personal life is in turmoil and I have LOTS going on right now so it might be awhile before I can carve out time.)
Welcome to V&V! :) I can relate so well to your words. My mum was not able to say 'I love you', she had some sort of block. So I think I gave up telling her very soon as a child. Too bad. Now that she has passed, I would like to let her know that I love her.
Great image, btw!
What a great post you've shared here. So enjoyed reading it and it touched my soul. My Mom and I always were at ease with the "I Love You's" and since she is passed on, I'm thankful that it was so. However, my Dad and I struggled more with those simple words, but it has gotten better as he's aged (87 1/2 yrs. old). What is hardest for me, is the generation he grew up in doesn't express much of anything... I just celebrated turning 50 last week while in Mexico, and can tell you 1 time in my 50 years that my Dad verbalized that he was proud of me. Yes, I'm lucky it is at least once, but ohhh how we children long to me affirmed by our parents. I guess it's a great lesson for each of us to remember in our own families, that is to affirm our children and loved ones. What a difference that makes in the well being of mankind.
Thanks for your thought provoking post and sharing of your heart.
Gretchen
Oh my goodness Kim, my eyes are tearing up. This is so difficult to do when it's not been in your DNA since childhood. Which is why I say it to my kids all the time. I want them to know that it's alright to not only love but to say express it verbally, that's a part of showing love too. I'm sorry for you that your parents could not show you love in that sense, you missed out and so did I. However, I'm so happy that you have that now. Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts, it does help - it helps to know that I'm not the only one.