Truth Is
July 27, 2012 * * * * * Posted by: Marcie 
As the end of this month nears...I find myself looking back in an attempt to enumerate..to evaluate..to attach to it a letter grade. It's been very long..it's been much too short. Time has passed forever slowly..and - yet - it's flown right by. It's been too hot..too cold..too grey and rainy. It's been too overcast..or too glaringly bright.
Truth is - I don't know.
At the start of it - I set an intention. I failed. Or - I succeeded. Or - I'm not sure which. I promised myself the gift of 30-days away from the rituals and routines and obligations of my every day. I promised myself space..and quiet..and time to explore and simply 'be'. It was a gentle offering to myself. A gift. A pause between the poses....a time to rest and restore and renew...to re-generate and re-create. A much-needed break from my daily practice.
It began overfilled with possibility. Imagine - what I might do with this new found time and space? Imagine all that I might accomplish? Imagine all that I might create?
Soon thereafter - I descended into a spinning..spiralling...free fall. As if I'd jumped prematurely and then rather unexpectedly found myself without any brakes. Somewhere in the middle of that flight - I let myself go. Exhilarating - yes. Terrifying - you bet.
It had been so long that I've been doing what I do..that I'd forgotten what it was like to not. And - I wasn't sure I liked it. One small voice was reminding me of my intention. It was reminding me that I don't quit. Whatever I start... I finish. No matter how miserable or grueling. It's what I do. I get through. And then another was telling me that it's okay to give-up and give-in. That I'm now a grown woman. I can reverse directions. I can change my mind. I can do whatever it is I want and need to do.
I'm sure there may have been unseen benefits to staying with it. But by the end of the first 10 days - I thought I'd found what I'd been looking for. It became so obvious...so clear. Why hadn't I seen it before?
I do what I do because it's a part of me. Like eating and breathing and sleeping. I do what I do because it fills and grounds me. I do what I do because - I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process. Not for the outcome's sake...but for what it offers. Every day.
So - here I am. Wondering....looking for answers to my questions.
When balancing precariously..only one foot on the floor - am I resting the leg that's lifted..or strenghtening the one that's rooted to the ground beneath? Is what we see only a function of the way we choose to see it? Is the cup half full...or is it forever and always - half empty? Was this month's changed mind and direction - a failure or a success?
Truth is - there's no one else who's going to answer these questions.
Truth is - I'm the only one who knows.
self-discovery
Reader Comments (16)
The thing is, Marcie...you never stop your daily practice, even when you stop. It reminds me of the little boy who kept standing up on the pew next to his mom in church. After repeated attempts at making him sit down, he finally looked up and said to her, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm standing up on the inside!"
Your daily practice is so ingrained in you, I don't think you'll ever miss the Truth! Or a good, satisfying image!
i love reading your blog and when it is simultaneously posted here. your images and words evoke not only mountain pose but all the times pausing for reflection matter.
the questions of "time" and "lessons" seem recurring themes on this site of women who share life's mid-senior years. who cared about it when we thought it was unlimited? for me, your words speak to the limitless qualities within one day...the possibilities left to us all and the joy that remains in not knowing.
you words comfort, inspire, and tickle.
"I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process." Oh how those words resonate with me! Love your post this morning and the perfect capture (as usual!) to go along with it!
I would imagine, if we were honest about it, we all have our own rituals, routines, practices. There's something comforting about the 'good' ones. But life needs to push the 'pause' button from time to time...so glad you took a little time to 'pause.'
"I do what I do because it's a part of me. Like eating and breathing and sleeping. I do what I do because it fills and grounds me. I do what I do because - I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process. Not for the outcome's sake...but for what it offers. Every day." I love how you said this.
Beautiful post. And yes I so agree with doing for the doing rather than doing for the outcome, that is what happens if you are passionate about something. And I think passion is what you need to achieve something.
You are right, we are the only ones who know the answers for ourselves.
I think the task is to be in love with whatever it is we do, even if it is nothing. As you know I have also taken a break, and I do feel a bit terrified (not at all in love with it). I asked Don yesterday if a person is still a poet if she hasn't written a poem in months. His answer was, "Was van Gogh still a painter when he wasn't painting?" What does my inner peace and joy depend upon? Who am I?
Each day might be a precipice we stand before, ready to fall in.
I was captured first by the beautiful photo. Then I read your words and rolled them around in my mind. Yes, only you know the answer - but I feel the passion for what you do, how you do it. It is part of your life, of who you are. And I hope the glass will always be half full - for all of us.
'Truth is - I'm the only one who knows'
I can relate to your words, I know what you are going through. As you know, I only post pictures on my blog. Almost no text. I love it, I love to be out there. To be part of the circle of friends that I got to know over the years. To me it is addicting.
You are so talented, you do wonderful things. Creating things on the Internet is part of you. Can you let go. I don't think so. Suppose you were a painter, would you stop painting? Of course not, you take breaks. Nothing wrong with taking a break. You come back refreshed and with new ideas.
Do, what you want to do. It helped me, to not feel guilty.
Blogging should be fun, not a nightmare.
You will find the answer, I know.
A wonderful picture with wonderful words. Sometimes, I think I am the only one with questions about blogging, it helps when I find out, that I don't stand alone in this.
Well, every day that I come here to this special place I never know what I'll be given to think about ... but I can be sure that it will be interesting and thought provoking and always with beautiful images ~ thanks once again.
Your photo's marvelous in its simplicity. I've had a similar image tucked in my files for a couple of years, with a title attached: "Two Rocks A Cairn Don't Make". It's easy to mistake the casual, unintentional and natural pilings-up of life for a true marker. Sometimes we need to circle around a time or two to see if something's been added to the pile.
Life is such a paradox :) Thanks for sharing your heart over and over and over again. The comments you evoke are as inspiring as your offering <3
Life is for learning.
It is necessary to to step back from the daily routine on occasion, it recharges the batteries and refocuses the mind. Then we can start afresh.
I love your tenacity and strength. It's inspiring!
Beautiful post Marcie. I've been through a similar July break and came out feeling less aware of what that did for me or what I want to do going forward than you sound like you feel after your break. I also took a week off from work to have some space and time to reflect but discovered that two weeks would be better possibly as I needed one week just to relax away from doing the usual and another week to then perhaps explore possibilities. I do wish I had a job with summers off or sabaticals or something as I think everyone needs months of time to reflect at least every couple years. I'm salivating at the thought...
I did much the same thing for the month of July... yearning for the carefree days of summer as a child. And I enjoyed it as such. Of course, like, you, I had doubts, but I think we do get to give ourselves permission to explore new things, new ways of being in this world. We can learn as much from doing nothing as much as we learn from always doing something.
Sometimes I think we just need to give ourselves time to listen, to the world, to ourselves, to emptiness. So that we can then move forward and make sense of what we've heard.
Well the one thing that I think I know is that nobody really knows what's going on in this universe, deep down.